I'm Not Her
by Cost of the Crown
Summary: I wanted out of my sister's shadow but when she died on the expedition I found myself shoved, pushed and prodded into her shoes. Kirkwall needs someone, but does it have to me? Two-shot.
1. Oh Maker, Why?

Disclaimer: Do not own Dragon Age

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><p>"<em>Always running after you. Or taking care of mother while you mark your territory."<em>

It had been a statement drowned in jealousy, anger and inadequacy. I felt those bitter memories come to life, mocking me. The fatigue from our travels in the deep road settled in my bones as the last straw had my body giving out. My knees slammed into the stone floor as my arms remained helpless at my side.

"Mari please, sister stay with me." Her lips came up into a smile so weak that ripped my heart from my chest.

"_Even back home, what could I be? The lone blade in a house of mages? If I excelled, it brought too much attention. That was a waste, huh? Could have found my fortune if Bethany was going to die on your watch anyway."_

Always meant to hurt, to have her react in anger allowing me to justify myself. My own hatred that had festered since father's death would strike out as if it were a mad animal but now it was silent. Now I openly wept watching the taint consume my sister.

Still with a smile, her eyes glazing but I could still see my sister holding on. She had not succumbed to madness. "You finally listened to me and shut your mouth." The joke fell flat yet I cracked a smile. Her horrible jokes making the grief lessen just a little.

"Why?" A single word that held so many questions. Mari scrunched her brow, skin paling right before my eyes as the veins became visible against her skin.

She licked her lips. "There was no point. If I told you what could you have done? There is no cure. Anders said so himself."

"_You need me."_

Yeah, she needed me. What an arrogant statement. I gave a bitter smile noticing the blotches of black skin covering her neck. She needed the mage more then her idiot brother. The preachy bastard who knew the Deep Roads, yet she had left him respecting his wishes to remain top side.

The healer in her always calm, caring and supportive. She was the one others drew to like moths to a flame yet instead of burning she warmed their souls. I was the one that burned and destroyed. Purposely watching the bridges being destroyed between myself and others.

Varric, the quick witted dwarf with an aurora of mischief and curiosity, was quiet and withdrawn. He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Carver, she's right."

He couldn't accept this. Mari was the oldest, the protector since their father's death not only towards her family but to all who wanted her help. Oh, Maker why are dooming such a person? Why are you taking her away while I remain?

"Car-Carver pl-please." Her voice hoarse, constricting as her pale slim hand lifted towards my face. Those skilled fingers traced my cheek as my hand came up to hold it in place. "Please kill me. I beg you for mercy."

"You can't ask this of me." My voice wavered, begging her to reconsider. Too remain strong and fight like she did time and time again. "I beg you sister. There must be a way. Merrill, you're a blood mage! Can't you just remove the taint?"

The tiny elf held my imploring gaze before dropping her eyes to the floor. "I could try." I felt hope stirring until she continued. "But I will not. The taint could go too deep and instead of saving her life I could be ripping the blood from her very body." She raised her head eyes glazed. "I am so sorry, Carver."

"Then what good are you? For someone who controls blood this should be easier then consorting with demons." The beast inside reared its head, snarling and snapping at a target. "Useless. No wonder your clan dumped you on us."

"Whoa now that's enough." Varric stepped in hand tightening on my shoulder. "Its not Daisy's fault and you heard her. It could do more damage, could be more painful then this taint. You know what has to be done."He paused as I wrestled with my own thoughts. "If you can't do it. I'll give her mercy."

It would have been easier to allow Varric to end her life. The responsibility, the weight of taking someone close would fall to him, but he wasn't related to her. He wasn't her brother.

_Aveline knelt next to Wesley. Her eyes filled with sorrow and pain as the blade pressed against her husband's chest. Her mouth moved, eyes still holding his as the blade slid home silencing him. Finally, she closed her eyes shedding tears for her husband, friend and lover._

If she could take the life of one she loved then I could do so as well. Despite the trembling of my body and the grief in my heart. I removed the knife from my boot and placed it above Mari's heart. She smiled, eyes full of love and pain.

"I believe this is the part were I make some grand statement about love, about regrets or some riveting line of motivation." She paused taking in another breath as her eyes strayed to the dwarf. "But I can't think of anything so Varric I leave this to you."

"No worries, Hawke." Varric smiled. "I'll give you a farewell that will have everyone treating it like a Chantry prayer."

"Not too long I hope."

He chuckled. "The greatest are the ones that are short, and unforgettable."

She smiled eyes turning back to me. Her cold fingers curling against my cheek as I still held her hand there. "I never hated you. I wanted to strangle you or freeze off your bits at times, but never hated you. I love you, Carver."

"I love you to sister." There was no more to say as my steady hands moved without thought. The dagger pierced the cloth, skin and hit her heart. The blood pooled around the dagger staining the hilt, her robes and my hand.

She had closed her eyes right before the blade took her life leaving her body as if she were a sleep.I placed her hands on her body. Varric cursed once more and Merrill sobbed. The cool tears tracked down my face littering the dusty cave floor yet I felt numb. Was this how Aveline felt? A void growing in my heart as stones filled my throat. Time became lost till the mourning had passed for now.

I stood leaving the blade in her body not having the energy nor the heart to pull it from her chest. Oh Maker, why did you make me do this?

Merrill bumped my shoulder. "I do not know how to control fire, but I can give her a resting place away from darkspawn."

I merely nodded not bothering with words as she raised her hands caused the earth to shake. The rock rose up encasing my sister's body in a rock tomb before slowly easing into the ground once more. All that was left was the disturbed floor that now marked the grave site for Mari Hawke.

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><p>Author's Note:<p>

I'm not sure were this idea came from, but poof it appeared and moved in. I have no clue exactly were this entire story is going but just enjoy the ride hopefully it won't stall out or veer off its course and crash and burn. I wouldn't mind suggestions or ideas for the plot. The ideas you give me help with my inspiration. I also would like to warn I don't know if it will follow the story word for word or mission for mission. It might just turn into a complete AU.


	2. Stepping Stone

Disclaimer: Its quite simple...I don't own it.

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><p>Varric's POV<p>

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><p>"<em>You have to tell me Hawke. Every hero has to have dreams and goals. What will you do once you have fame, glory and wealth eating from your palms? And don't try telling me you won't."<em>

_Mari chuckled, blue eyes twinkling with mirth. "Only you see a hero, Varric." She took a sip from her water and sighed. "The healer in me speaks out to aid everyone in need and to protect my family."_

_I watched her gaze linger on the candle as the flame danced. "I'm hearing a but in there."_

_A smile. This one held a mix of sadness, joy and determination. "When the Amell's gain back their title, their fortune what happens to the Hawkes'?" Her eyes came up piercing me in my seat. "My father was an apostate. He protected us, he taught Bethany and I. No one knew him, truly knew him but his family and now with mother taking back her family name where does that leave him?"_

_She shook her head. "I won't let him die. I want the name Hawke to be renown just like the Hero of Ferelden. I want Hawke to be revered and respected not lost and buried away."_

"_Don't you worry Hawke. With me at your side we will have everyone bowing in reverence at your name. You'll be the next Andraste and everyone will want a piece of you."_

"_Oh, you mean pilfering my ashes? How grand."_

"_Ha and here I thought all your jokes were terrible."_

Giving and diplomatic was Hawke in a nut shell. She never complained, never snapped at Carver despite the few times even I felt Bianca asking to shoot the boy. I sighed leaning back in my chair with my fingers running over the stack of letters. All addressed to Hawke.

The conversation felt as if it happened years ago when in reality it was the night before the expedition. A bitter smile touched my lips. At the beginning, it had been a calculated move on my part. I had heard the rumors of a Ferelden Apostate that kept Athenril in business.

The display of hard work, dedication and skills was exactly what we needed on this expedition. I had my contacts out trying to find a time to meet Hawke only to stumble across her and Bartrand. If only those two siblings new that the random cutpurse hadn't been so random after all.

I chuckled knowing Hawke would just shake her head while Junior would no doubt want to take that sword to me. Yes, that would just be mine and Bianca's little secret.

My mind turned back to three days ago. Leandra whimpering in Junior's arms while thanking and grieving for Hawke. The story I had spun could have been more embellished. Instead of a wall of ice that had protected them from the Dragon's fire, couldn't she had risen a wall of stone? Ah the possibilities that would have Hawke calling me out.

Junior had kept silent. I had been worried about the last details, the details concerning her death. She was a healer. Always putting others before herself and it wouldn't have been a story if she had died at the hands of a beast in the Deep Roads. No, Mari died using the last reserves mana to heal her dying brother.

He had been gutted by the Dragon's claw, though I skimmed over the more detailed descriptions for Leandra. Junior was dying on the cold dusty floor as Hawke knelt next to him with her hands flaring blue. She never stopped just poured her mana, her heart and her soul into Carver. She saved her brother's life and with a final smile filled with victory, she closed her eyes and collapsed. Never to wake up again.

She was a healer and would die a healer. No one would find out the truth. I would make sure of that after all, if it wasn't for me the two Hawkes would still be out looking for work. Hm, and I called Bartrand the Bastard.

I stood from my seat feeling as if I was headed to the Gallows. The letters slipped into the inside pocket of my coat before pulling Bianca over my shoulder. Despite my cunning, I had a feeling this conversation would end in blood shed.

But for Hawke, it would be worth it.

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><p>Blood splattered across the ground, I pivoted swinging my sword around catching another thug across the middle. His light armor gave way as the blade sliced through him and he fell to the floor in half. His hand twitching against his dagger.<p>

I shrugged my shoulders, hefting the blade once more.

"_Let me tell you a story, Junior. You'll like it."_

"_Get on with it dwarf."_

"_Patience, Junior. Patience."_

A cry from my right. I turn and slice another down. Their faces covered by red scarves and armor solid black allowing them to blend into the shadows. Shadows, how I detest those.

"_Two brothers in arms and blood. Both had names, but many called them Grim. One reached for glory and respect. The other clawed at the ground trying to escape the shackles of his brother's shadow."_

Claw, bite, snarl all things I have done. All I still do to everyone even mother. If they deserve my anger it doesn't matter. Not to me in the end or the beast that is starved, but for what even I no longer know. At the moment though it doesn't matter as my anger has a focus now.

"_They were loyal to each other despite the rivalry that spurred between them."_

"_I don't like were this is going."_

"_That's why Bianca's here."_

Heard the light steps, the unsheathing of blades as I twisted catching a slice to my bicep before cutting off the Rogue's head. I turned again catching blade to blade as I glared at my opponent, yet not truly seeing them. Damn Varric! Damn, Deep Roads! Damn, Anders! Damn, Sister! Damn, you Mari!

"_The brother of glory fell in battle leaving many in mourning. Leaving Brothers Grim, just simply a brother. No longer was there a shadow covering him. No longer did he have to claw himself into the light, to be seen, to be recognized."_

"Carver!"

My name I heard it, but it didn't matter. The rushing of my blood, the beating of my heart was all that mattered as I chopped down another. I wanted them to come. I wanted them to die.

"_It wasn't until a month passed that letters began arriving seeking the aide of Grim. At the beginning, he was furious. His brother was dead and they still asked for him then...then he began to think. You see Grim wasn't just his brother, it was him as well. Grim had become a symbol of aide, of hope for the people so he decided to carry on the name. Grim became branded into history."_

"_What an idiot and your story telling is getting lousy."_

Flash of silver and orange came then went. A barrel shattered as a thug was tossed upon it out cold or dead I didn't stop to ponder.

"_Don't you see, Junior? Stories change. Heroes can turn into giants with lightning bolts coming from their eyes or change gender entirely. Names though, now those stay forever."_

"_Not going to happen. I won't be her shadow! I won't step on her path! I don't want her path!" _

A lone blade in a house full of mages. I wasn't them. I didn't have the power to control the elements, to knit broken skin and mend bones. I was always following behind them. Now with mother I was following her to take back the Amell Estate. Always a follower. My path already worn down.

I bellowed charging into a group of four surrounding something. I pushed into one sending them flying, planted by feet and turned catching another two and wounding them. A shield came from the circle bashing the final thug in the head knocking them back.

"_Kirkwall needs someone. It needs a hero, it needs hope, it needs a Hawke."_

"_This city can burn for all I care! What has it ever done for me! It has broken my family and cast us aside!"_

I'm so tired. The person slayed the last thug and sheathed their sword and shield. Her eyes turned to me in anger before seeing my haggard expression. I must look quite the sight covered in blood, bruises and cuts. My eyes circled in black from so many sleepless nights.

"Oh, Carver."

"_I'm not her Varric! I'll never be her! Don't you understand!" _

"Aveline, I-I think I made a mess." I chuckled hollowly as her lips curved slightly.

"Yes, you did, but its nothing they didn't deserve." She placed an arm around my shoulder. "Come on I'll take you to the barracks. Clean you up get you some warm tea." I raised a brow. "Okay, ale then."

She whispered to another guard, but I had all ready shut down.

Time was lost once more to me. A second time in two weeks for my world to cease to exist. It took a while for the crackle of flames to puncture my brain or to feel the warm blanket tossed over my shoulders.

Aveline walked in placing a cup in my hand. The amber liquid cast my reflection before I downed it. It burned down setting my stomach aflame as I coughed a bit at the strong taste.

"Oh Maker, that could burn off Varric's chest hairs." I choked as she shook her head smiling.

She sat down on the bench across from me. Her ankles crossed as I slowly took her in noticing she was out of uniform for once. A simple pants and tunic.

"Hm, now that is the only one your getting." She passed me another cup this one smelling of a sweet tea. "I tried picking up War the other day, but he wouldn't budge."

"Yeah, he is taking his job seriously." I shook my head feeling light headed for a moment. When was the last time I ate? My memory came up with nothing. "Mari told him to protect mother and Gamlen before we left. I've been thinking of telling him the truth, but it gives him purpose."

"Mabari are intelligent animals. I'm sure he all ready knows the truth."

Silence descended between us. I didn't have anything to say or add. If the Mabari knew and chose to continue the order then it was his choice. At least, he had a path to follow. Was it so easy being a Mabari?

"I envy him."

"Oh? The dog or Gamlen?"

I snorted into my cup. "War, of course. Must be easy."

She tilted her head taking me in. "I couldn't see you taking orders well. You always wanted to lead. You do have the ability just lack the-"

"Skill? Followers? Trust? Maturity? Temper? Looks?" I offered hearing the voices battering me once again. Some merely critiquing while others were comparing me to her.

Aveline rolled her eyes. "I was going to say confidence."

"Hm?" Now that was a new one.

"You followed her and so did I. She just had something about her that exuded confidence. It reassured and drew others to her." Aveline sighed taking a drink from her own cup. "I'm a guardsman, soon-to-be Captain by the sound of things, yet with Mari I become a soldier once more. I follow her lead. It was refreshing at times and frustrating at others, but she was always open minded. She would listen."

She came back to reality, eyes catching mine. "You on the other hand have need to prove something and a temper that burns quickly. You are fast to anger but once the fuse has been burned you come back. Those aren't qualities a leader should exude."

"If you are trying to make me feel better its not working." I drawled finally taking a sip from my tea finding it better then the burning alcohol.

"I didn't realize I needed to help you feel better. I assumed those thugs did it for me." She quipped getting to the heart of the matter. "Those qualities can be controlled Carver. You can prove yourself, but don't let it consume you. You can have a temper yet rule it not the other way around."

I paused taking in her words. It was true. I would have also added stubborn onto the list along side selfish.

"Thanks, Aveline."

She waved me off. "Just don't be taking on thugs by yourself and we can call it even."

"I'll at least give you a heads up."

"Stubborn, brat."

"Stick in the mud."

We shared a grin. Aveline was family, a sister, another blade in a house full of mages. It was...pleasant.

"Aveline," she made a noise, "being the Captain of the Guard, do you feel pressured? I mean was it what you wanted? Or are you being forced into it?"

She leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees and clenching her hands together.

"Pressured, of course. Wanted? No. Forced? Only if I fight it and I'm not. I just want to help the people by making them feel safe and have trust in the guard. We are their hope in times of need if I can help just one person sleep well at night then its worth it. If I can save lives then its fine to be promoted to Captain." She stood from her seat. "I'm not sure if that has helped you with what's on your mind, but if you ever need me my door is always open."

"I will keep that in mind." She ran a hand through my hair as I swatted her away. We shared grins again before she disappeared into the barracks designated for the women.

I drained the rest of my tea. It had gone cold but I didn't care. I folded up the blanket settling it on a chair and placing the cups on a table.

I stared at the flames.

"_I'm not saying take her path. I'm saying use it as a stepping stone, a starting place for you as you cut your own way into the world."_

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><p>Two days later, I stepped into Varric's room. He glanced up noticing the stack of letters in my hand. The ones he had given me asking for Hawke's help.<p>

"I'm not her." I started, eyes hard. "I'm not going to try to be her. If you are asking me to take over then its on my terms. I'm not sure Kirkwall is getting a hero or someone to hope in, but I'll try my best and let's see if I don't burn this city to the ground."

He grinned. "That's all I ask. Now let's get our group together we have business to discuss." Varric walked towards the door before pausing. "After you, Hawke."

"Never thought I would miss being called Junior."

He laughed as I gave a quick smile tinged with sadness. I'll try. Its the best I could do.

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><p><em><span>Author's<span>_ Note: I have no clue were this chapter came from. It came to me like a fade demon and wouldn't let go till I started writing at 2am. Its now 3 and I have class in exactly five hours. For some reason I truly enjoy the flash backs, but they'll be slowly dwindling as the story begins to pick up. I first had an entire scene of Varric and Carver's conversation, but it just felt awkward for some reason. I erased and thought, you know I want to try my hand at a little fighting so ta-da! it appeared.

I've been trying to reply to your reviews, but my computer is acting screwy. Thank you all who reviewed the first chapter.

CoolerGirlOverload: Hope you liked this chapter.

Yathandra: I'm glad you liked the intro and hope you enjoyed this chapter as well.

Snarkoleptic:  I hope you enjoy stalking poor Carver. I'm still not sure were I'm going with this story, but so far it has been writing itself.

I-don't-like-pen-names: I don't know if anyone else has done this concept as well. I'm surprised they haven't since its like a beacon saying "Write Me!" or that could just be me. I'm looking forward to this as well.

Eva Galana:  I'm not keen on first person either. I first wrote it in third, but it just didn't sound right and the emotion fell flat. It took me forever to finally accept that first-person was the way to go to project what I want from the characters. I like Carver as well and always wished they would have done more to him for character development. I'm going to keep mostly everything the same, but I could be just talking out of my butt since I'm not quite sure were I'm going. I'll use the storyline as a flexible structure and build around it. Pair him with Anders? You read my mind. I was thinking the same thing, but I'll let Carver choose.

Time for me to sleep.


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